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F&@% Your Game!

If you’ve played enough video games, you’ve come across a few that are clearly made by assholes. There’s no other rationale, really. Complete, miserable, haters of joy, assholes. They were fairly common in the 8-bit era. Today’s video games hold your hand to such a degree that you are bound to beat them eventually. There’s too much money going into their development. It's just not a good idea to actively piss people off. Don’t get me wrong. I like a good challenge. I’ve beaten Battletoads. I actually like Battletoads a lot. Many people hate Battletoads and I completely understand this hatred. Battletoads nearly got inbedded in my wall many times.


This was around the point most people told Battletoads to go fuck itself.

It was a game that demanded you get good at it, but you COULD actually get good at it. It took me the entire summer of ’91 to do it, but dammit, I did it! These following games? They can just fuck their own faces.


I got this on the Wii’s Virtual Console. I’d always seen it in stores as a kid. It’s made by Compile and they have a good reputation. I tend to enjoy a good spaceship, shoot ‘em up and five dollars ain’t asking much so why not? It controls well and has some good power-ups. It’s just that it punishes you for grabbing them. Or actually doing any sort of well for that matter. The game’s AI reacts to how well you’re doing and that's fine. It's just that for much of the game and especially in later stages, so much shit is thrown at you that I’ve put the controller down and had the same results as if I had tried. Oh, and after stage 10, even if you get to the end of stage 12, continuing starts you all the way at the beginning of 10 again. I used to threaten to shit on certain games. If I had Zanac back in the day, I think I might have literally done that and that’s something that can’t be undone and not an experience one should have. Even with the VC’s ability to save your game state I wasn’t able to beat this and I never intend to. I could spend that time more wisely by seeing how many times I can slam my face into a wall and still look like myself. There’s challenging and then there’s simply being a dick.



This is a game that seems to be held in some sort of regard by many. I have to imagine that’s all nostalgia. Have they played this game lately? This is a game that is broken. I should have known what I was in for when I encountered the first enemy in the game.

These fuckers.

You have to duck to hit them. Except you can’t duck in this game.'ll just have to jump over them. We just bought this awesome sword and we can't even use it. Who on the creative team thought this was a good way to break you in? It actually gets far worse from here. This game has the worst enemy placement of any game I’ve ever played. It's as if the makers of the game didn't give a fuck if it worked properly or not. You will routinely find an enemy waiting for you right at the top of a ladder and you have to climb that ladder to proceed. There’s no way to attack from the ladder and it's waiting, not to either side of the ladder but right freaking on top of where you emerge. You just have to take the hit. This happens at about 70% of the ladders in the game. Fun! My favorite is when enemies are placed directly at the edge of the screen you’re entering, immediately knocking you back into the previous screen. Over. And over… Did they test this game at all before they released it, or were they just tired of games that were enjoyable and wanted to make a statement?


Cobra Triangle

I had to mention this as it’s the only game that ever got chucked out onto the front lawn in anger. Sure, it seems like a lot of fun at first. It’s R.C Pro Am in a boat. With guns! Then you realize the isometric angle that the game is displayed in is actually really awkward and disorienting. And you also realize you’re going to be playing the same 5 or 6 stages over and over except progressively cheaper each time. Not harder. That implies the challenge builds and requires you to refine your skills. Just cheaper. You're simply thrown into situations that the mannered play control doesn’t equip you to deal with. Need split second timing? Fuck you! You'll get a vehicle that makes slow, wide turns to change direction! Or you can hit the brakes and turn in place all you want and paint a big target sign and a big "jackass" sign on your back. It kind of feels like you’re really driving a boat and that's neat at first. But eventually they’ll have everything attack you from every angle all at once and overwhelm your slow-moving ass. Or they’ll stick you in really narrow corridors and have a strong current relentlessly push you towards your death forcing you to repeatedly reverse direction with your wide-ass turning radius and keep crashing into the sides and losing health. I would call this bad game design, but Rare Ltd. games routinely had some equivalent of tying you to a chair and free kicking you in the head so I’m pretty sure it was just their douche bag, creative choice. They also made Battletoads. See? Douche bags. I never beat this horrific fuckfest. Around the time it ended up on the front lawn I had kind of sworn off putting up with anymore of Rare’s brand of psychotic wankery. Except for Battletoads. I still like Battletoads.


Super Ghosts and Ghouls and Goblins and FUCK!


The level of astonishing hatred this series has unleashed on kids who only wanted to chill out after a hard day at school is well documented. But you can’t have a list of asshole games without mentioning these because no games have ever been bigger assholes. I played Ghosts N Goblins back in 1988 at my friend’s birthday party.

No one ever got past the middle of the second stage. Eventually people stopped trying. My reaction was that this game didn’t need to exist. It was followed by a less evil sequel in Ghouls N Ghosts.

You could actually attack up and down now.  It was still cheap as fuck and I needed to cheat in order to beat it, but at least it wasn’t the medieval torture device the first one was. Oh, but they made up for that with Super Ghouls N Ghosts.

Someone at Capcom must have had a bet that the company couldn’t make a beautiful looking, inventive game with high production value that would be absolutely reviled. That guy lost money. In each of these games, two hits kills you and getting hit always launches you, often into something that will count as your second hit if you’re not already dead, or into a pit, which means you're dead anyway. And these games all routinely attack you in ways that are impossible to defend against or evade, so get ready to experience soul crushing futility. You can and will accidentally pick up a shitty ass weapon and the game will just say “Fuck you! Deal!”. You have to go through the whole game twice and it’s twice as hard the second time through, just for fuck you! And in order to even get into the final room you have to possess the shittiest weapon in the whole game, which means you have to attack the ridiculous bosses guarding the door with basically your own face. Oh, and you can only get that weapon in a couple places and they're hidden. If you happen to accidentally pick up another weapon, the game will just say “Fuck you! Deal!” Super Ghouls N Ghosts goes the extra mile of vindictiveness and only gives you five chances to continue but you'll have long put your foot through the TV before you use them all. Yes, these games were made by sadists who hate you. Every time someone plays Ghouls N Ghosts N Whatever, a kitten dies.

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