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...was a term popularized by Jorn Barger on his blog robotwisdom.com. Over time this term was shortened to the simpler "blog". The word Blog was possibly first uttered by Dr. Suess in his story "Scrambled Eggs Super", but it's first use in the context of weblogging is largely credited to blogger Peter Merholz of peterme.com. In the beginning, early blogs such as Justin Hall's links.net were simply online diary websites that were updated manually (text entered between the <p> and </p> in html). Today, blogging tools have developed to make blogging accessible to just about anyone with a computer and Internet access. There are over 161,000,000 active blogs on the planet Earth and almost half of those are in the U.S.

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There's a recent period of time in my life that I’ve been obsessed with since it happened. From mid-December 2004 to about mid-March 2005, I was perhaps the happiest I’ve ever been. It was a culmination of many things, the biggest being 2004 itself. That would be my insane first year in Los Angeles, one of the most emotionally trying I’ve ever had. At the time, it quite often felt like hell. It wasn’t until I had come home for the holidays that I realized what an amazing year it had been. I look back on it as the best year of my life, certainly the most exciting. It was mainly because I grew more as a human being that year than any other year I can remember. I was challenged in ways I never had been before. I was forced to rely on aspects of myself that I didn’t know I had. When I was back amongst the familiar, I realized how different I was. The familiar itself was exciting and new because it was being filtered through a whole new me. I don’t think I ever enjoyed life as much as I did for that one month at home. I was learning just what I was capable of. I was seeing for the first time what life really is. For the next month and a half afterwards I was completely free in a way I hadn’t ever been. I was free of any attachments or ideas about how myself or the world was supposed to be. It was exhilarating. Because I wasn’t attached, the things I had always wanted now seemed within reach, but it didn’t matter because I knew I would not only survive but I’d actually flourish whether I had them or not. Eventually it all fell apart. Eventually my old habits resurfaced. Perhaps it’s not possible to live at that level of contentedness for long; the Buddhists believe life is all about suffering after all. It doesn’t mean I don’t spend a great deal of time wishing it back. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss it.

I haven’t written in a personal way like this in awhile and maybe that’s part of the problem. I’m fairly certain that maybe a handful of people actually read these blogs, so I’m not torturing too many. Besides, I do read these. And obsessively re-read them until they’re the most perfect collections of words in the history of language. I could benefit from reminding myself.

I’m stuck in a rut right now. I’m completely and totally bored with myself. I know that no matter what happens I can count on myself to react in a completely predictable fashion. Frankly, I’m tired of my own crap. There’s no reason to put a spin on it, or sugar coat it. This year is already on track to be yet another year where I’m exactly the same person at the end of it as I was when I began it. I can try to focus on the small victories and remain positive. But to tell you the truth, I’m getting a little tired of always feeling obligated to be positive. Why do we always have to be positive? Just to avoid making other people uncomfortable? I don’t feel positive right now. Should I fake it just to avoid someone thinking I’m being a downer? That’s exactly what I do, though. It’s called being mature, right?          

I’m convinced that a big part of the reason for my three-month enlightenment back in the mid-ought’s was my change of venue. I was in a new environment. I was meeting new people. Something happens to you in these situations. You adapt. And in the process, often without you even knowing, you reinvent yourself. New synapses are formed in the brain, old ones are no longer used. If people have no preconceived idea of how you act, you’ll find you’re acting from a more natural and unaffected place.

Sameness can be a killer. We all have our own ideas about each of our friends and family members and who they are. It may have nothing to do with reality or how they see themselves. It goes both ways. They all have a preconceived idea about who you are. And no matter what you do or say, it will be interpreted according to their preconceived idea. The freaky part is you will often find yourself conforming to that belief without even knowing it. You’ll fall into your expected role within the social group.

This probably sounds like a way of blaming everyone else for your problems. But I see it more as an honest assessment of social interaction. Can you honestly say this doesn’t happen within your own social groups? Remember I used the word “honestly”. There’s actually no blame being placed here. You can’t blame anyone for doing what is simply human nature. We need to make the things in our lives understandable and familiar so we can get on with living.  I do it to everyone I know. I think it sucks that I do it. I can’t even begin to imagine how much I’ve sold people short, people I care a great deal about. I put them in a comfortable little box that has no baring on reality just the same as they do to me. During those three wonderful months, I didn’t feel the need to do that nor did I care when it was done to me. The feeling of liberation was beyond words.

So I feel stuck. Stuck in the things that are expected of me and stuck in the ways I see those around me. Stuck in the fact that I expect myself to find that state of bliss again. Stuck in being disappointed at everyday I come up short. Stuck in feeling like I have to tiptoe around and not let on that I'm basically a mess from day to day. Stuck in feeling that to express something like that is just something we don't do. "No one wants to hear you being all negative". Why are we so afraid of honesty? I never was afraid while growing up. It’s a new thing for me. No one says what they really want to say. No one wants to offend anyone. There are just certain ways all civilized people are supposed to act. Getting caught up in that is the worst form of stuck. It gets ridiculous when a person becomes afraid to admit they’re not happy. Especially with all that’s going on right now. I know very well that if I’m bored with myself, that it’s my problem and no one else’s. The problem comes when I find the idea of posting a blog about it on my very own website to be risky. When I become so afraid to have anyone think that I don’t have my shit together, or reveal that I’m not always, at every conceivable moment, an absolute joy to be around. These are impossible expectations for anyone. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot or at best, completely dishonest.

I don't have any answers. I'm just going to try and become interesting to myself again. Maybe do some things to start upsetting the fuck out of my expectations of myself. I’ll start by not caring that I'm posting something that's a little naked as far as feelings go. Especially on my own bloody website.

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